Frustration

Just a general frustration.

I wish I had an honest COMPLETELY honest no biased opinion of my voice. When I record, I think, wow, this sounds sooooo good! and I get it down, and I hear the song by itself, and its grand. Then I sing. And when I'm singing, I think, I'm in tune, and I feel my voice this should be good. Then it's played back, and I think, ok, it's not that bad. But it's not great. And then I sing the whole song, and I have finished product. I show it to my friends. The moment I turn my song on, and I hear my voice, I cringe!!! I freak out and run for the stop button saying, "I sound hoorrrriibbllle" you can't listen..

Some people have issues with weight. Some people have issues with there looks. I have an issue with my voice. I wish I could just love my voice. But then I wish I could sing. And I feel like I can't. So therefore I don't love my voice. I gotta figure out a way to get over this. Maybe never sing again. :(

The Globe and a Tornado

I think I'm obsessed with sour and sweet.
I've never been really into super sweet things like candy, and sugar in general. I've always been a fan of Chips and Salty things. Which is combination of sweet and sour right? I suppose actually it's Sweet and salty. But I love opposites. I love a beautiful picture with some sort of destruction within it. Something off color and surprising.

I had a sour-sweet dream last night. I wish I had the ability to paint a picture, or make a video describing what I saw. I dreamt I was back in San Jacinto in my parents/grandparents house. As I walked out the sliding glass door to the backyard, I had a perfect view of the city in front of me. The house was elevated on a hill more than usual so that I could see every corner of the valley. The city flickered with house and street lights, and the little white and red dots (cars) moved across the streets.

Amazingly, I could see the horizon and see stars all around me and they were so low in the sky, that I did not even have to look up to see them. I did however see that there was a beautiful cloud across the horizon. It looked like the ocean turned upside down, and it was glowing with the city lights beneath.

I stared and pondered how I could imagine such a pretty sight, and as I did, a cone began to develop in the middle of the cloud. The wind began to swirl, and with it, so did the cloud, and what began to form was a tornado. It was amazing to see this vision of a tornado gaining strength, and ultimately touching the ground, and making a path of scrap wood and metal that once was houses and cars.

As I watched this all happen, my vision pulled back to a different scene. I saw my arms and my hands, and within my hands, I held a Snow globe- where within, was this tornado that I was witnessing.

All I could do was watch in awe.

I want to

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self-satisfied I don't need you
I got to to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free

I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love, yeah
God knows, God knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true (hey yea)
I can't get over the way you love me like you do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free, (oh yea)
Oh how I want to be free
Oh how I want to break free


But life still goes on
I can't get used to living without, living without, living without you
by my side
I don't want to live alone, hey
God knows got to make it on my own
So baby can't you see
I've got to break free

I've got to break free
I want to break free, yeah

I want I want I want I want to break free …

it's fun to not finish blogs sometimes.

I wrote this a while back and never finished. Unfortunately, I don't know where I was going with it, but I see now that it's pretty cool.

Does this begin with an opening sequence?
This visual Life, is it mirrored for me?
That's your life, that I pretended was mine,
till I saw how it ended and I pulled on the breaks.
So here I am now.
Screaming, "Oh my lord, not me as well!"
Close the curtains, and close up the casket.
All I ever looked for was the lives of the others.
Never focusing on the destiny of my very own.
I skipped that bridge, when I saw another get burned
I drove across the United states when I saw the plane dive.

I found this one too...

Hello Bay area

Good bye seattle. You were a sweet lover
But I must return to my dear mother
Hello california, yes, i've missed you
I know you've always done what you do
And smile a sunshine that forgives
The darkest of rainstorm that ever lived
A presence consuming, I express you
In no sphere consuming, can I repress you
Give you my heart for the fifth time
I may someday reject you,

Erm...

I haven't done this in a while. I have had things to write about, and have even made attempts to write about them on this, but for whatever reason, never finished the drafts. One particular draft is of a dream I had a couple weeks ago. It was epic in nature, and poetic in form. I'm finding it hard to write down what really went on in my head that night. It's was so beautiful, and vivid. Beautiful is an interesting adjective in respect to this dream I had; it was devastating. Buildings were destroyed, and people were hurt. But the way it all happened... was amazing..

I'm writing a story about all of this. It was from this dream I realized the need to make this all into a book, and I'm gonna write it, and it's gonna be awesome. It will be fun to read this and maybe someone will recognize this blog in a few years, and think, wow that was the grass roots for this novel.

Picture this: Imagine you are standing on the corner of a four-way stop. To your left, to your right, and all around are Apartment buildings and sky-scrapers. It is mid-afternoon and you are having a conversation a woman, who is only a spirit, but has physical form. This is what I saw in my dream.

I remember the mood was tense, but things did not seem chaotic. This woman I was with was talking to me about all of my accomplishments in the last years, and her influence in them. I had done everything like she said I should have done, and I was feeling great about it, all till I remembered that she had made me kill my grandfather, and that wasn't right to me.

So I told her that I couldn't follow her orders anymore, and that we were finished. Of course, she was angry with me and began to lay into me how what I was saying was nonsense and that I HAD to do what she said. But me being as stubborn as I naturally and shut her out of my head, and with that she told me that she was going to use me for my purpose, and gave me an example of her power.

It was at this point that she merely turned her gaze to the apartments beside us, and they began to crumble. The feeling was so vivid, that I could feel the earth shake beneath me, and the only thing that I could do was watch at the simplicity of destruction.

All now before me was rubble and smoke, and yet I was still jaded, and unmoved - both physically and mentally. I knew in my head and in my heart I could not show weakness, because this being had none of herself.

I began to walk away, and she changed her form into a cloud that seemed to follow me around, and she screamed in my ear that she would have me to do her will if it meant that she would destroy the whole world. I was needed for her plans.

I told her I was finished and I could not continue further, and she said simply, "I will destroy this world for you and I." and she disappeared. As I was left to only my thoughts now, I continued to walk past destroyed convenient stores, and fruit stands and I kept my thoughts empty only for the reason of trying to keep her out of them.

As I walked a woman came up to me holding a knife, in her right hand, and she walked at such a pace that I thought she was going to stab me. But she stood straight in front of me, and I looked into her eyes. They were blank and glassy, and I could see that inside her was the spirit of this woman that had destroyed everything.

She looked at me and smiled slightly, and then she whispered quietly, "You made me do this." She took the knife, and held it to her neck, and slid the blade across her skin. She let go of the knife and dropped to the ground clenching her neck, as blood began to now poor to the ground.



...Well kids, then I woke up.

Yep. I dreamt that. It's gonna be a book.

A quick update

I guess it's not really an update, but maybe more of I'm just writing a little before I go to bed, just to say I've written lately. I'm not good at writing paper journals, and so this will maybe someday be for my posterity? I dunno? What will blogging/internet be in 20 or 30 years? Too large a concept to think about, for my feeble brain that's for sure.

I wanna get into a pen pal group. I've tried to friends, with no real successful correspondence in return. There's gotta be an internet site or somethin that will put me on the path to the right people. I think letter's are so neat, and some of the stories, quotes, and what not were told 1st in the form of a letter to a friend. Mark Twain was a letter writer. He wrote back and forth to one of my Favorite writers H.P. Lovecraft.

I think there's a special spirit of letter writing that is found from writing a letter, sealing the envelope, writing a sender's address, and putting it in the mailbox. Then one week later on the other side of the country, another person opens there mailbox and inside the box are bills, credit card applications, silly coupon booklets, catalogs, and every so often, a tad of nostalgia, as the receiver finds an envelope hand written by someone, who took the thought and effort to relay a message (hopefully a nice one) to them personally.

I want that.

Today, was the 1st rain of the fall season in the bay area, and it was pleasant as long as I wasn't working in it. Ha ha. I think I'll manage, if the temperature was any indication, it was slightly cold, but nothing ridiculous to the point of border-line freezing like how it is sometimes in Southern California. If you're saying "I dunno about that, Willy". Well then you're wrong and I'm right. Done.

Ummm let's see. I dunno what else to say. I think I need to write some stuff down, and write it down for myself. I have some thoughts, but I don't think they should be public. I wrote on my facebook status the other day "The Facebook taunt's me 'What's on your mind?' and I replied, 'The world is not ready'". And I wasn't kidding. I really have a lot to say, and maybe I'll express it all. Maybe never. I know somewhere out there, I will tell someone everything I'm feeling, but I haven't found that person yet.

Not that their aren't people out there capable of listening to me, but when a mechanic needs advice, he talks to his fellow mechanics. I'm lookin to talk to a mechanic. I haven't found (mostly likely)her yet.

Anyways, I gotta go fold some clothes. Good night neverland.

This is very real

...and it was at this point that I put my hands in the air and said, "I've had enough" and I walked away, and I never questioned once whether you heard me or not. I just walked away.