the black widow alagory... not really... kinda.

story times kids.


One rich, warm, friday morning, on a day much like august 1st, 2008, I stayed at a friends house. I stayed in orange county, in a premiere location where honestly, the kids wipe there hind quarters with gold leaf foil. (there's this old wife's tale about how if you wipe your ass with gold you get essential minerals from it and they teach that to the young folk in that area yata yata yata). Old wife's tales aside: Premiere location.


When you live in a premiere location, let it be known that if you live in that sorta area, you should take small chunk of money and invest in a quick 30 minute, hassle free, bug extermination appointment. I know of several nationwide companies that facilitate to such an appointment, I.E. The Orkan Man.

EVEN IF YOU DON'T! live in a premiere location, for the safety of others, and more specifically a gentleman like myself, please some time and invest in an appointment, or I'll sue your ass, faster than a crackhead will... nevermind.
I digress

You see, as I was about embark into the warmth and peaceful ocean breeze, of that young summer day, I crossed a figurative, and literal threshold into hell. "Hell" being a little exagerated, I walked through said threshold and onto the cold concrete, not yet baked to a fluffyness that the solar rays of the sun yeild. I would like to make a brief note, that I like to put my best foot forward on a brand new day, and so my right (being the best) took a step into arachnophobia.


Now at this point in the story, your ears may beginning to perk, and you may have been thrown in proverbial tilt-a-whirl of imagination as to what I am talking about. Well... My good friends, I will tell you.


This door, now opened for me to walk through, and my right foot (being the best foot for forward motion) was met by impeding force that left me in a fit of distraught rage. This force has a name. She is female, and her name is Black Widow. I took a personal offense to this Black Widow, and I will explain why, in the mean time, I would like to give her name. Black Widow from here on out will be known as Susan.


Susan was probably a couple months old at most, and was the size of a dime. Susan is what one would call a "Scaredy cat" and my large stature was nothing less than daunting to her when my large foot, was directly under her frame. Susan was having a mid morning kip I imagine, under the frame of the door, and my swift movement of opening the door, and her inapt quality to stay grounded left her to drop Directly over my right foot, being my best foot.


Susan landed squarely, to my surprise, and dismay on my right, second toe.
It must have been identified as an enemy in Susan's 16 beady eyes, and what was left for me was a puncture and distribution of a neurotoxin found in her friends and family members we call "The Black Widow"

In lay-mans terms- I got bit by a black widow.


Susan was flung from my foot, quickly in the fraction of a second and was quickly thrown into a corner. In my rage, I went to kill her, but did not have the proper tools to do so because she was in a corner, and my sandals that I had on were not made for corner killing.


When I went inside and returned with a cup and a stick, because lets face it, I wanted her dead to tell others of my wild a ludicrous story, which i knew they never would believe. I needed proof. Evidence. Hard Evidence, not some stupid circumstantial crap. Anyways, when I returned, Susan was gone. I was left beside myself.


I called my mother and told her about susan, but now only referring to her as "the black widow" because she didn't deserve to have a real name. That bitch made me fork out money to fix what she did.


I called my father and told him what had happened as well, and I told him I would not be able to come to work immediately. I went around to a few places, made a few phone calls, got the opinions of a couple leading experts, who study the art of "What F___ am I supposed to do when I get bit by a black widow" and came to the conclusion that I would take matters into my own hands and fix this trifle with the help of some herbs, and different medicines, including payote, and LSD. They don't really help with the pain, but help my vision quest, and I am happy to note that Susan I have spoken, and she said that we should go to lunch together some time.


When I do, I will be sure to tell her that you all forgive her. She was only doing what she knew best.


If I had venom and poison I would do the same.


Now for my reaction to her poison, other than name calling, and livid dysfunction of self and others.(editors note: what does this even mean? whatev) I got a bit of a headache. I took some Alleve, and it did what it's name intended.
It Alleviated my pain!

On a particularly positive note later, two hours after my incident, I was able to find my remedies, and continued on to a healthy positive day of work. I continued into the night to a rawkus dance in the Huntington area, and continued to an after party at a dear friends. The night lasted till 6 in the moanin in my own head, but physically it probably lasted until 4. Somewhere around 4, physical movements were not made by my own accord and were made by merely habitual reflects of my human body. I would also mention because of the size of Susan, and because of the lack of discoloration of my toe, the bite was superficial, and I'm just too cool to be effected by poison.


Kids, watch out for Susan and her counterparts. They're all bitches, and don't believe what your parents tell you when they say "Oh they're more scared of you than you are of them" Nooooooo... Screw that. She did it on purpose. If I was that scared, I would just kept my mouth closed and ran for the hills. She did not run for ANY hill, and did NOT keep her little chompers closed. I've got the bite mark to prove it...

Well, thanks for reading. Spiders suck. Especially black widow ones, and kill them all. Dude. Karma. OMG Karma. Ok never mind, don't kill spiders because like a week ago me and my friend went hiking in the wilderness, and I killed an unsuspecting Black Widow, and this is my fate. I get it back... I hope I don't die.


Pray for me :(