Crazy dream time

BeI woke up at 3 this morning realizing I had had this dream and frantically wrote down key words that would help me recall this. They only half worked but I do remember the meat of the story.

I remember my friend who was a very stunningly beautiful blonde was with me and we were taking some time to make desserts, and I had brought her to a pantry that was in a house and it had two entrances. We went through one entrance and surveyed the shelves for ingredients. When we had found what we wanted we made our way to the other entrance we had not before gone through.

I had done this on purpose, because I knew on that as we would leave that pantry on the other side of the door we would be met by a powerful unseen presence. I wanted to try to scare her and have her hold me close. Little did I know thay this young lady was only too familiar with spiritual apparitions.

As we walked out, her body stiffened and a fear washed over her face. Almost like a smoke detector detects carbon in the air, she became very alert of this new spirit.
Her eyes wide she whispered to me "why did you do this?" And I began to wonder the same. Her movement began to be as she exclaimed, "I see him! Oh my god its awful" and she described to me the figure translucent figure of a general from world war one. Dressed in full fatigues and a large white beard, he was aware of his now visible to her and I could see this in her eyes. "we have to leave she said." And I did not question her, we walked quickly but as we walked away the spirit followed. Which was new because I had messed with this ghost before and never had it followed.

We ran quickly now, and somehow ran through an old chapel and out two huge double doors that seemed 20 feet high. I was sure he would not leave the building, but much to my surprise this fragile girl screamed proclaiming through no specific words his menacing presence. In my dream the perspective suddenly changed as I watched my body hoisted in the air by my throat by some invisible force. I Hung helplessly from this grasp for a time, and I levitated in the air, the girl began to cry. Without any warning of any kind, I was suddenly thrown, into a nearby pond, and in that moment, I woke up, just as I hit the water.

Then I went on wrote down these key words. desserts, visits, blonde, pantry, ghost, wwi, church, levitate, water.

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That song so beautiful. You even said youd destroy me in your words, but that voice too damn beautiful for me to just turn off. God, damn my love. God, damn this love. God, damn that voice. God, let dam break. Let it flood me.

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I'm not even sure why as of late I've started blogging so much. Don't get me wrong, I like having a little space of the interwebs to call my home. But ive had different blue periods of thought and writing, and whatever reason now I am writing like a mad fiend. I suppose I am slightly mad, but then did you ever see that movie angus? There is no normal.

In the wake of the tragic suicides of kids who have takin there lives because of bullies, I think kids should watch that movie for inspiration. It is a story of a young social outcast who is paired to be prom king with the high cheerleading captain who is very popular. The outcast has been thrust into this position to be taunted and ridiculed.

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Oh its been some time now hasn't it!!!

Hey, where did November go? Ummmmmm..

Well this month was full of fun activities. I found some new bands. Actually, november was a time for musical discovery. Probably during the beginning of summer, a lot of things began to change. I had some very emotionally rude awakenings that made me think about what I was doing with my life. I had an "oh shit" moment, because the last time I had had an "Oh shit" moment I shrugged it off. God saw fit that I should have another "Oh shit" moment and so I think I began to listen this time.

In listening, I started needing to re-establish myself, get some bearings, by some new shoes, find a new path, put on a new CD, pick out a new book, get a new face, learn some new words, eat a little better, and otherwise, make a turn for the better. So I did alot of those things, and I picked up a lot of new voices.

When I say voices, I mean I picked up some new objects, or people, or books, or anything that spoke to my heart. I was looking for something to talk to me spiritually or metaphysically different than before. I picked up some new voices that alot of my friends liked that I hadn't really paid attention to. I picked up the Avett brothers, more bright eyes, Manchester orchestra, Right away great captain, M. Ward, Rocky Votalato, came back to Iron and Wine, Elvis Costello. I just looked for things that spoke softly. That didn't scream at me.

In in almost 24 years, I had grown accustom to intensity. Intense music, intense hair and clothing styles, intense concepts, and intense feelings of anxiety. But you can only take that for so long, and it was time to begin to let that stuff go. So there you go, now I'm back to where I was two paragraphs ago.

It's all about finding solace, and making yourself a better person than you were yesterday. Boy it sure gets tough sometimes doesn't it? It's tough because we get easily caught in thinking, "Well I'm doin better than so and so" Well, yeah you are, but if they're goin down hill, then so are you. You gotta make your own personal goals and stick to them!!

When it comes to where I am now, there are some things I wish I could just skip. I wish I could just skip college, have all the knowledge that you need after you finish your degree, and I wish I was in my career! I'm 25, and I have no career, which is slightly depressing. Only because Im now 7 years out of high school... I had 3 years to screw around to figure out what I wanted to do, and then in the last 4 years I shoulda been done with school. Here I am now just barely getting concerned on where I'm gonna transfer...

But you can't get caught in that feeling for too long. Anyways, So in November I went to a few shows (FINALLY!!!) I made a new friend who loves concerts as much as I do, so now I'll have a concert buddy once again. I saw Colour Revolt and Circa Survive. Colour Revolt has been very inspiring to me lately because they're writing the sort of stuff I wanna write. If we did a percentage of how their style matched the way I wanted to do my music, then we are 75% percent compatable! I completely love their music and want to do what they do, but throw in some piano, some different instruments like violin, brass, etc like they do in The Dear Hunter, and then maybe some reverb, delay, atmospheric stuff they do in Circa Survive, and you've got what I want!!!!

My brother is getting married this coming month, and I'm goin to So-Cal!!! HIGH FIVES!! Very excited to see my fam. It's been a very long time since I've seen them all, so I'm very excited for that. Mitch is getting married so props to him and steph for hoppin on the marriage train. I'm sure we'll dance and party and go crazy. My good friend Sugar will be accompanying me, so it will be great to have to her to laugh at everyone we see.

Oh I dunno. I went to bed at like 9 last night, which was too early because I woke up with a headache this morning. That wasn't very cool I thought. But whatever. Anyways... this is more of an update post I guess.

on sadness:

Some people are so scared of sadness. It is so interesting to me. The avoid it like it is a feeling that will smother and suffocate them. While some sadness might do just that, couldn't it be said that it's ok- and even healthy to feel sad somedays? It is a natural response to some sort of hardship. If we didn't feel sadness, then how could we understand empathy? Many times we become sad because others are sad, it is just a question of how healthy it is for us.
Sadness helps us to humble ourselves. We may feel sad that we did not accomplish a goal. This is a healthy response but when we get wallow in our sadness we begin to hurt ourselves and potentially others around us. Our sadness evolves into misery, and we are told misery loves company.
Now I'm not sayin we should accept being sad all the time and enjoy that feeling, but I would rather accept the sadness of one situation and know how to bounce back, than avoid all feelings of sadness, only to be emotionally flattened by a large catastrophe and not know how to emotionally deal with the situation.
I suppose this all goes back to the emotional and physical complex of the "fight or flight" reaction. Without generalizing to distastefully, I would imagine most people who avoid sadness have a lot of other things they tried to avoid (flight).
Then again fighters seem to often times bite off more they can chew. But I'd rather hit that concept on another. Until that day, bare sadness but do not wallow in it, savvy?

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Check out this site I found on StumbleUpon!

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A small confession

Want to know my heart since the beginning summer?
This right here is the most accurate song I've heard in a long time. The mood is perfect. From beginning to end. Please remember that I have past the most difficult portions (I feel) and as you listen to the song, the song climatically builds with a happiness felt that is not present at the beginning. One thing is for sure, I'm excited for 2011

Blossoming Color

Hey look at me! Yeah, I just picked up painting. No big deal. No but seriously, I've really been meaning to paint for a long time. But I have never gone out and bought canvases, or paint brushes or anything. I've always spent my creative energy on music and the spoken word. I've never have had what I would consider a steady hand, or a delicate hand. My cousins were always better than me at drawing everything. We used to draw comic book characters and I remember always thinking that there pictures were better than mine, and in art classes in elementary school, I was never a kid who stood out. I am not 'gifted' per say, but I believe the ability to do anything can be cultivated, no? So with help of my friend Jordan who already paints and does quite well, we had a painting night, actually two nights because that's just how long it took. This is what I came up with. I am obsessed with trees and I love color. I call this painting blooming explosions. My intent was to take the free, and create blossoms that looked to be like an explosions - like fireworks, if you will. I am obsessed with the concept of explosions. I think they are beautiful. Yes, they can be very devistating, but if you think about them in theory, and in form (in the right settings) you can see an overwhelming beauty. Though some explosions are similar, their never two perfect matched explosions. I also like to think about the explosion of thought within our own head. I believe the heart and soul of our body is much like a tree, and grows with wisdom in time, and over the years, we will have times of spring with blooming thoughts, ideas, and stories, and other times and different winter-like season where our mind may lay dormant and quiet, waiting for that change in the air, for us to be able to bloom and to explode with new things in our life. Of course, when I look at this painting, there are sooooo many things that I could add now that I look back on it. But I think this is a good beginning. I can't wait to do more things, and this painting is now hanging on my wall! Good times.

Kind of been a blogging binge a little bit here lately, but that's just because I've had a lot of new thoughts, or I am cultivating old ideas. The following has been a concept I've had in my head for a little while, but never have really talked about just because I didn't have any good examples to back it up with- until now.

I used to be addicted to video games. More specifically PC video games. I started playing them in the 8th grade. My first game "fix" was Monster truck madness. When that got old, I got caught up in a game called Mechwarrior. For the next 5 or 6 years, I was completely hooked on the franchise. I was involved in gaming leagues, I was on a team, I was good enough to have league accolades, and I was thought of within my community as a really good "pilot"

On other side of the coin, was a kid in high school, that wasn't socially involved like the other kids because of my out-there tastes in music, and clothing style, as well as my choice to not drink or smoke, and claim to be "Straight-edge" along with being involved in my church. These seem like all good things, but couple that with bad school habits, failing grades, and lack of social interaction, (besides school activities) and you now see a kid who was midly-depressed, and incredibly addicted to a virtual world.

My grades were never good in high school. I was always just scraping by, and I was addicted to my computer, and the games inside. There was no productivity in my life. I was not using the computer to learn how to do web design for a future career. I was not editing and design map terrain for video games. I was not drawing graphics. I was doing none of that. I was sitting. Scrolling a mouse. Slapping some keys and saying into a voice communications program "He's critical" "good game" "let's pwn these noobs". Nothing. NOTHING. good came of all this.

When I began to start working out of high school. I decided I liked money, and I liked having friends out of high school, and I started to be more social. I started enjoying myself more. I then went on a mission, and on my mission, I made a conscious decision to not get a PC when I got home, and to get a mac. Not because I was trying to be fadish, or hip, but simply because mac's did not have the same game titles as PC's did. The only reason why the PC exists is because of business who have longed kept using windows, and because of VIDEO GAMES.

I made conscious decision to not get into the habit of games because I didn't want my wife to see me just playing video games all day. I didn't even think I would get far enough to have a wife, and having a girlfriend would have been hard enough as it was, if I were to try to even think about having a gaming habit in my life.

Today at work I saw the fruits of what video games does to marriage. I went to a house, and I was spraying around the house, the wife had two very curious kids. I was spraying the base of the house, and as a procaution, it is important to try to keep the kids from stepping in the product, or touching it in any way. These was quite the task as the lady was showing me around, and then trying to fight these two kids.

Her husband was in the other room playing a zombie game called left 4 dead, and when I came in to say hello, he didn't even hear me, or maybe he didn't acknowledge me, until his wife commented, "Don't worry he has a job, it's just his day off" and I said "no worries, but that's a pretty cool game" and before I would say anything more, his silence was broke with "Oh, what's your gamer tag." I told him I didn't have one, and it's just a game friends alot of times play, but I wasn't really into games.

With that being said, he lost interest in me, and also in aiding his wife with his roll as a father. When she asked him to come help her make sure the kids didn't get in the product he simply screamed at them in a hollow and fruitless yell, "Stop touching the product!!" He did nothing to repremand.. He didn't even stand to try to give them any warnings of any kind. He simply yelled what he probably had said many times verbatum in that same situation.

But it only got worse, when his wife asked him to bring in a ladder for us to use and he said, "I'm in the middle of this, can you guys wait 2 or 3 minutes?" I rolled my eyes at the lady, expressing my time constraints, and she yelled at her husband to turn it off and come help. With 10 seconds of delay, he stood and became extremely defensive, as if we had just takin away his teddy-bear.. He got the ladder grudgingly and returned, handed it to me, and went back to his computer...

I WILL NOT BE THAT MAN!!! Two kids, a wife, and a video game? No way. That man was a loser and a half, and not fit to be a father, or husband. When someone you love, or someone you consider as friend, ask you to do something, will you be stuck in a vice of frivolous means? Be it video games or otherwise. This is what I have been avoiding, because any person, especially males, can get caught in this. I know we cannot multi-task well, especially within addictions. We must avoid evil. The lord takes it further and says avoid (even) the appearance of evil!! Meaning- don't even get close to that stuff!!

I'm sure I could write a whole book on this stuff. But I felt bad for that poor man's wife, and for him, because he won't realize a good thing until it's walkin about the door, with his two kids and a suitcase...

That's what I'm avoiding.

If you read my blog, I want to read yours too (if you have one). Please take a moment to comment on this post, and leave me your blog address. That is everyone!! Everyone!! I mean everyone!!

Once again. I should be asleep, but this time around, I feel dehydrated, so I am sipping, gulping, drinking water. I'm on my 3rd bottle... Dunno why. I drank alot today, and drank alot at dinner... I drank alot of spicy food... Maybe that counteracted all my hard work trying to be hydrated?

Lately I've been obsessed with the Spoken word. It's election season, and I'm trying my damndist to try to become once again informed, so I am scowering the internet for information; especially on the race for governor between John Brown, and Meg Whitman. I am a liberal conservative so my intentions will most likely to be to vote for Mrs. Whitman, but I am saddened by some of the tactics of each candidate. Alot of mud slinging is being thrown. Names are being called, and people are lying and cheating to scrape for poll results. Ultimately, I hope the voter remembers what they believe for the values of there own self, and what they want for this state.

Waiting for Superman is a move I really want to see soon. I also want to see the Pat Tillman story, which is a documentary about the government cover-up of a semi-celebrity-turned soldier who was killed in the middle-east. First issued as dying in a heroic fight, it was later determined he died in friendly-fire, and to make matters the worse, the government tried to hide these not-so-good-to-hear facts from the family.

I'm also listening to alot more podcasts. Freakanomics is a book I read that is written by a couple economists who study the effects of "incentives" as the relate to everyday situations, or not so everyday situations, like Sumo-wrestler, Crack dealers, School teachers, just to name a few, and if it seems weird that any of these people who have any sorts in common. Give this book a look... (ha, Rhyme)
Really interesting read, and now they have it as a podcast. So that's been alot of fun to listen to. I've also been listening to a little bit more talk radio. Progressive, Conservative, public, Christian, etc. I just have felt like I've needed to try to listen more to opinions, and get more facts in my life. I am constantly listening to music, and feeding my emotions and mind with sonic waves, which are stimulating and help my calm my nerves and things. But I'm trying to listen the the lyrics, and learn things, and I feel like I am. But I need more input! (short-circuit anyone? ps. franchise reboot- look it up) So I am turning to inspiring lectures, talks, etc.

Time to soak up spongy sorta stuff... Like... More water!!!

a working title...

When you begin to start to learn about the world, and when you really try to inhale it, you realize you know nothing. Some things you learn, and you wonder how you ever lived without the knowledge. Some things you learn that define who you are or perhaps who you will be.

Amazing to think that of course you can learn things on your own, but how much faster can we if we learn from our peers, parents, and teachers. It is so important to learn from different forums of people and thoughts. There are things I am studying especially in art, that I never knew about before. My parents didn't have the resources to show me what I've seen and takin interest in. People like dali, dorothea tanner, willem de kooningg, Georgia o keeffe are blowing my mind.

Life is best when we are struggling slightly, I find. If you have a slight burden, you also have a strong goal. Of course stress is a killer, but if everything is perfect you begin to wonder what is going to fail. Will the world suddenly crumble underneath your feet? We know adversity is always laying in store, and when we are in the midst of it, or own strength and dedication we have made for ourselves is what helps us get through that. Not only ourselves, but our friends, family and teachers.

That being said, we see a correlation that we cannot meet our full potential without the strength of others. It would be impossible. It is impossible. If you think you can, than you are a fool. I did learn a secret that I love. The only way to make true lasting relationships friendly or romantic, you must serve each other. Nothing else can make that bond between two people, or a group of people. Funny to think of all these things in one night, when I just had a class for 2 hours where we just looked at paintings all night. But then I suppose these thoughts have been a long time coming....

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The swing of an iron.

With every stroke takin, there is a greater likelihood of perfection. With every stroke not takin, is another destiny unfulfilled. Michael Jordan said of his basketball career, "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

Take the shot. Take the shot. Take the shot. In confidence we can do anything. In trust, we are given the worlds most tremendous opportunities. This trust has to be realized by ones self many times to be offered by others. I suppose we have these divines circumstances, where we are entrusted with great opportunities without any real qualifications. Look at Moses. Look at Joseph of Egypt (to a certain extent). Joseph Smith. But with all of these figures, there is a confidence they had in something. It may have been confidence in there own faith, rather than own intellectual or physical abilities.

I am thankful for my mind. Sometimes I am my most worse enemy. I can think a situation into a strangle-hold. I can literally destroy a concept, situation, and bury it with my mental abilities. I can paint a canvas with life, vitality, sound, and depth. But it all depends on its application. Does it cause good, or does it cause bad. I never really know. It is important to remember positivity in all things. To give place for positive thoughts, always and to not enrich negative thoughts and feelings always, and in no circumstances deviate from this rule. Although easier said than done, it helps to have a strong spirit, a mental sense of balance, and SLEEP!!!! Which I really should be doing, I might mention. But I find that caffeine stimulates some of my most thought provoking instances. This night being no exception, it is 2am.

I've had a good time tonight listening to music, and dancing, and being with friends, celebrating birthdays, and quietly, sitting on a train platform bouncing concepts of the future, in my head. Reading scriptures, when I am feeling negative about things have been a rediscovered blessing. Technology is really empowering when used correctly. Feeling negative? Put positive books are your iPhone, Android, blackberry device. Download podcasts, mp3's of lectures, books ans scriptures, that will let new thoughts and reaffirm old concepts in your head. With a trusty set of headphones, you can do it all by in a quiet non-obtrusive manner. :)

Anyways, life is no pearl. I believe right now it's more like a watermelon. I hate watermelon. But you gotta eat the fruit, and spit out the seeds. Or else a baby watermelon will grow in your stomach, and you'll blow up. sick... But seriously, sometimes it's not all sweet, and maybe also like piece of fish, careful not to lodge somethin in your throat, that may suffocate you and possibly kill you, trash your vocal chords, or trachea... actually nevermind... think positive, think positive.

Oh boy

What can I say? My world is being destroyed as I write this. But sometimes you build things with rotten wood, you build with plans that were uncertain from the beginning. I don't hate what I've done. I don't hate myself. But I hate the time I've waisted. I hate not being where I know where I could be. I hate that I've let other people down. I can't believe some of the things I've done in my life. I can't believe the strength and influence I have over people. What damage it has done, when what greatness I could have brought. I have so much thought right now. To all of those people who have let me go, You have no idea what I will become. It's time to look the part, and to put down the toys. You gotta grow up. You gotta grow up. I can't believe I'm 25. I've seen a ton, I've watched a ton, and I'm carrying a ton. It's time to purge. I care too much about myself to care about what any other person may say, think or feel. Carpe Diem right? Wrong. Seize the world, the lifetime, the eternities, the now, the past, and the future. Seize it. Put it in a pot. Add water. Boil it. Concentrate it. Swallow it. Take it with you and release your full potential with zeal and in humility, compassion, and charity, share your potential with others. It's very interesting to do this on my own. I am just so independent anyways. Would I have it any other way?

oh my Rawr.

Posed question:

Can you blame anyone for seeking a happiness that may only last a short amount of time? Especially when the parents before them made a poor example of classic values of happiness..

parent: happiness is being with the one you love forever, happiness is the love we share an honesty between us. We believe in the honesty of our city, of the country we live in, and all of our elected leaders and officials. Not only do we feel this way, we are Proud to say it is the ONLY way to be happy, and we tell you this through the strength of our own generation, through the practices of fear. This is what we believe and you will live by this.

Child: your idea of marriage and love is false. Father cheated on you, Mother, for years and you never came clean because of your own fears you tried in instill on us. You were only together because your peers would disown you just like you disown the principle of free thinking and movement. Why shoud I get married when the other will have the chance to be deceitful and just do me emotional, and potentially physical harm? Is it any surprise we wouldn't want this? We are looking for happiness. If happiness is in these core values then we will run from it. We will run to a new happiness in freedom of thought and we will look for short term happiness because we know long term happiness does not exist. So what if our happiness is bi-polar in its extremes. At least we are happy in the moment, and our own sadness shall pass in little time. Your own values leaves you in sorrow and hypocrisy for the rest of our existence.

...and now we see that both concepts are false, and we now see the fruits of two generation, bringing a third. I don't know what the world will bring, but I blame no one for being there own god and there own divine being. I have my thoughts and I see how the world has become so corrupt. I am no revolutionary, and I will never call to arms a movement. But it is interesting to understand the human mind... god help us.

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sigh

over analyzed enough lately? perhaps so

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Labor Day weekend!

So what did ya'll do?

Well I had some set backs, but mostly I had a great weekend! I did some recording, and I got 3 songs finished. All that needs to be done is for them to be mixed and mastered! How cool right? I'm totally stoked. One is a song I've been foolin with on the piano for a number of years, and finally made somethin of it. Another is a Guitar lick I had been messin around with, again for a number of years, that we flipped around and turned into a funk/rock/bee-gee's sorta song. It was one of the funnest songs i've recorded in a long time. It's not to be takin to seriously, but at the same time, I hope no one takes it as me making fun of any genre. Especially with my lyrics, and vocal melody, I was trying to pay tribute to where the music's soul originates. I'm thrilled about it, and then one more personal song, that has a lot of special meaning. It's code name is "Golfing Green". It's a feel good song for sure. I'm so lucky to be able to do what I do, and live where I live, to be able to express myself artistically/musically!! It's lovely. I also love the extra time I'm spending on my blog, rather than facebook!

oooooooklahoma.

Title unrelated. Except for maybe the exclamation that "ooo"'s bring along with the rest of the syllables.

So I got off facebook. It was really funny because for the first few days, I habitually would type in my browser, or click on my phone app, towards facebook, and then I'd stop myself and ask what I was doing. My password has been changed so I am not tempted, even though it asked me the other day when I almost logged in if I remembered I had changed my password. Well, I just closed the browswer anyways.

Alot of people have been asking me if I've gotten off facebook. I suppose people start to notice a lack of constant Status updates in there news feed? Unfortunately, Apple just announced it's own social-network centered around it's music player iTunes, and so that will bring a whole new world (watch it aladin) of wasted time. For realsies. Thankfully it's only reachable via my macbook, and not my phone or else I would be right where I left.

Life is good. Stressful, but good. I'm in school, I'm waiting for one stupid book to arrive that is killin me by not having. It's a math class, so duh, it sucks to not have it. Cause I'm not very good at math.

I've started having crazy dreams again. Which is great because I've misssed them. My mind during sleep has been blank for the last long while, and I haven't really liked that. I don't like going to sleep and being completely blank, only to wake up. With dreams, I feel like I have something to write about or think about when I wake up. It gives a sudden reason to awake and get the day going. Probably cause my sleep isn't so deep wouldn't you say?

This is for my own personal benefit, and note. Things are wonderful right now emotionally for me... I'm happy. I miss her. But she'll be back. It's all very fun, and I like progress. I see progress being made with my family members, and friends, and I wanna move forward as well. I think I might finally be doing that, and that feels good. I just turned 25. Come now, let's do this...

I have a quiz that I'm gonna go take for my math Class and I'm definitely under-prepared for the above reasons. But I think I'll be alot better when my book comes in and I can start studying every night.

Anyways, things are good, and I'm gonna go record this weekend so I'll write about that when I get back. I'm pretty sure I write more on this thing cause I don't have Facebook as an outlet to speak... Which is a good thing. :D

whoooooaaaaaaa

Life is but a dream, I say. Not all dreams are fun. Some are vivid and you remember them forever, and some pass like a gentle breeze almost unnoticeable. Is life no different?

Relationships come and they go. Some are remembered more deeply than others. Lessons are learned, Laughs are shared, and tears are shed, and somehow we try to make the best of them. An unfortunate phrase is "Why did I ever?". I suppose it's way of saying you have regrets. How do we get to that point where we look back and say those sad phrases? I think maybe it's because it's who we forget who we are. I can say that is the case for most of my "Why did I ever"'s ... It's important to maitain integrity, self-worth, and honesty, so that when people or opportunities, or blessings come into our life. We know what to make of them. Avoid them when they look unpleasant, and grab them with all our strength when the prospects seem worth the fight.

The body is frale. We shall always have hardships. It is important to understand our own mental and physical weaknesses and to do everything in our power to strengthen them, whether learning how strengthin physically, holding on to a healthy diet, or maybe cultivating positive energy, we need to know how to ultimately "manipulate" ourselves into our best selves. The ultimate teacher, at there very core is a master of manipulation. This word many times has a negative connotation, but that is because some have used there skills for wrong reasons... An artist knows what colors go together, how a canvas can hold on to different textures, paints, and so forth, an musician knows the inner-workings of his or her instrument and knows how to make it shine.

progession is important. If we're not moving forwards then we are not moving at all. we are becoming complacement. We are stopping our progression. We are giving up. Life is too short to give up on. When one falls on his face, he is still moving forward. We gotta just be willing to pick ourselves up.

I'm starting school. It feels good to be back into it. I took some time off. Not because I wanted to, but because it just sort of happened. Sometimes because of lack of motivation, other times because the world at-large seemed to bury me at times, Financially, emotionally. As stated previous, if you fall you must get back up. That's all we really can do sometimes?

I'm content for now. My birthday is thursday. I will be 25. I'm thinking of alot of good things in my future. I am in school. I have a healthy relationship with my family. I have a healthy relationship with young lady, who I very deeply miss, but I know is doing what she has to do as well. It is a nice feeling to know that things will work out when they are supposed to... It's all about being content right? Move forward, play the cards you have, and sometimes wait for the next round...

Toodles.

PS. I got off facebook for a while... One less distraction.

Getting ready for church, I think I'll take a moment to remind myself of how lucky I am to be alive. I dare you to pray, or dare you to meditate briefly on all the ways you have somehow made it to the age you are right now. Is that morbid? Not if you realize the immensity of protection and love our family, friends, and god have for us. It is a special feeling to know that you can be surrounded by so much love. Guardian Angels come in the most physical form, and we call on them everyday. God keeps us humble and blinds our ability to realize the magnitude of our angelic traits and endeavors. We are taught to be nice and thoughtful, and the simple act of kindness is amplified in the eyes of the receiving individual.

I love where I live. I simply have the best friends that I could ever ask for. Im pretty much the luckiest kid ever. Its easily the place to live on this planet. real talk.

Whoa

Jagged

Can you emulate fire?
Or do you contemplate doubt.
Do yours eyes promote struggle
If they're presented my mouth
Do you permit promise
With no reservation for structure
If I asked you a favor
Would I smell your desire
Are there brakes for failure
On the wheels of the war birds

On Growing up:

Today has been insightful. Lot's of things happened in a very few short hours.

This morning I woke up late. I was again realized that when you get up in the morning, you should just stay up. Don't go back to bed and try to pick up a little nappy-nap. Just go out and DO! But I suppose had I done that, maybe alot of these things that happened to me today wouldn't have?

I went to work and felt the feeling of confidence. The fact that I was about to start and finish a job all by myself. Working for my dad, and installing solar panel systems is not cheap. The cheapest systems can cost more than 10,000 dollars easily, and I have worked on jobs that have been upward around 100,000 dollars. Confidence, is knowing that you've been entrusted to take care of job that dozen people depend on you to finish correctly, or else they don't get paid.

I had a short day today, and when I went to go home, I stopped at Del Taco, and I bought some lunch. But before I pulled into the parking lot there was a man with a sign that said, "Anything will help, God Bless". I don't give money to bums. I don't like thinking of them wasting it on boo's or on drugs, or any other sort of vice that will only inhibit a road to recovery. But I went over to him, and I talked to him anyways, and I asked if I could by him lunch. After I finished, I returned and gave him the food.

It was a hard decision to make to give this guy food because I"m limited on my money as well, and I need to make every dollar count, but even though I only had 10 dollars to my name, he still had zero. I'm so thankful for everything that I've been given. I have a house. I have a car. I have a job with my father, and I have a new job lining up at the end of this month.

It made me also think of the concept of a willingness to give and a concept of a forced upon unwillingness that makes us HAVE to give. I don't want to HAVE to do anything. I want to be able to make my own choices, and give when I see fit, and as a good human being and person, I should give always, and more people should be like that.

I don't want a Government that forces it's tax payers to give to the poor, or food stamps, or any of these things, I want a government and a nation that freely gives. Call me an idealist, and you call yourself a realist, and we'll meet in between and say that that isn't possible, but John Lennon said, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one". I wonder how many Dreamers their are in the world.

I also thought about this man's poor fortune of being homeless, and thinking of the possible reasons why he was where he was, seeing that he had no front teeth, and seeing possibly the scars of punctures in his arm, this man was at one time a druggy, or a tweaker, and maybe he still. It makes you think of the utter destruction drugs will bring upon man and civilizations. Fuck plagues and pestilence, there is more destruction in the power of human desires. I'm so glad I'm fearful of drugs. I'm so glad I hate taking tylenol when I have a headache. I'm so glad just an ounce of concentrated caffeine will me almost completely dysfunctional. Anxiety and fear is my anti-drug... Kidding.

I drove home and was pulled over by a cop. I didn't learn anything from this, but the cop was nice, and all I got was a fix it ticket. I have until june to make my car pass smog. Wish me luck... Life is a huge lesson, and art picture, and musical opus, and a grave, and bitch, and simple breath-in-breath-out, a test, a question mark, and a time to perfect ourselves for the life to come.

Back Home

Grab cup. Gently put straw into mouth. SIIIIIIPPP. Enjoy taste of tea. Swallow. Repeat.

Simple right? Usually, but then throw in the fact that you are enjoying your tea in a town that you didn't really expect yourself to be in. It's not really that it is a bad town, or that the situation is even close to being life threatening, it's just the fact that sometimes you don't expect to be in certain places, good and bad. God gives us blessings, sometimes they are to enjoy, sometimes they are there for growth. I think this one might be for growth.

I'm home! I'm back in Southern California, for the next foreseeable future. I'm content, mostly. I don't want to be back in with my parents because I'm too damn indepedent, and I feel like at 24 you should try to live on your own if possible, so I hopefully will be able to do that SOON!

I've got a lot to do in the next coming weeks. I need to MOVE! I need to get a new job, I need to collect unemployment if possible, I need to enjoy my friends that I've had for years out here, and I need to start new friendships, and maybe relationships?? All these sound like fine ideas to me, and I think I have a lot of good things going for me.

I got a few bad things going for me as well. I still have debt. I have a car that hasn't passed smog yet. I have some rent that I need to pay to a kind friend in Seattle. I have a new ticket from the retarded WA state police. Oh and I found a ticket from when I got back to my car when I got off the BART. But I'm not here to be negative, I'm just tellin myself this so I can remember how good I was at shucking and jiving at this sorta stuff.

I'm super excited though! I got a new camera! I just bought a canon XSi and I can't be more thrilled about it! I love art, and I love photography and I can't wait to start a new project and to start learning about the photography world. Recently I started writing for a website www.indierockreviews.com and I've been having a super enjoyable time doing that. The only problem is, is I've felt a little bit limited because all the writers have cameras and I didn't! Now I do and we're off to the races!

I'm really excited because I've wanted to go into journalism for the past year, and this is an intricate part of what writers do. They capture photos of the events around them and write about it. I'm so excited to start doing those things, because I'm finally beginning to get into the field of what I want to be doing for the rest of my life!

It's takin me 24 years to finally figure out what I wanna do, but with a few dropped semesters, and a few bad grades in classes I had no interest in, I'm finally in a position where I know what I want to be when I grow up, and I can't be more excited. So to be getting a decent camera for this is very much a stepping stone for what I am gonna do for my life. It set me back a little and it might make some of my debtors mad that I bought it, instead of paying them, but a mechanic needs tools. I need my camera!

Anyways, so consequently, my blog will be changing a tad. I will be putting up photo's from my outings and that's gonna be a lot of fun. We'll see what happens, maybe I'll need to start a new blog for all the stuff that I start doing! But we'll see. Like I said, I'm just getting started so I'm gonna have fun just shooting photo's- and another thing is, is I hope that I can start shooting my family and my friends and be a person that has memories for them to look back on! Isn't that sweet?

I'm very excited to have this new camera, these new adventures and all this sounds really super exciting and fantastic but I think now's the time to stop writing and start doing!!!

More dreams

I was walking with my brother Mitch, and our friend Jaime, around a mansion that we felt was occupied some substance of people that we knew existed but could never find. We had takin a short ride on a train that surrounded the perimeter of the mansion, and came around to the back side of the house, and hopped off a bit prematurely. As we walked up to back of this house, we opened a door to a room that was completely empty with the exception of some shades on a window that had been pulled down, and a ceiling light that had already been turned on before we came in.

As we all walked in there was a very obvious humming sound that filled the room, and I automatically became uneasy. But before I could say anything to my brother and our friend, my brother asked Jaime, "Do you think we're alone?" and without anytime for any of us to respond there was a booming voice, and subtly whispered, "No." The voice was clear as day, and yet we asked each other if we had all heard of it, and of course we had.

I decided I had had enough and I left the room, and I expected my companions to follow but they didn't and they stayed back; they were trying to figure out why they heard the voice. So I decided to come back into the room When I returned all I could find was a canvas frame and picture of a women painted in acrylic paint. The picture was constantly shape-shifting and I was looking at very beautiful woman. She was tall and slender, with very long straight black hair that went down to the small of her back.

Unfortunately I could not see my brother and my friend, all I could see was there shadows on the canvas frame. When I turned around they were not there. But I could see that they were fine in the frame. This woman explained to us the story that she lived in this mansion and she had died here because of a heart attack.

As she told this story, I saw a shadows depicted of her as well on the the canvas, and I saw a profile of her, and she was wearing a beautiful gown, and as she told us of this heart attack, I watched the most beautiful explosion I could have ever seen from her chest. As her heart exploded, her chest ruptured and there was there swirling ribbons that flew, and with them, were sparrows and monarch butterflies. She gently collasped to the floor, and we asked why it was that we were the only people that could hear her.

We thought about all of things we had in common, and we could only think of the strange personalities that all of our fathers had. Mitch and Jaime decided they were going to leave, and asked me to follow them, but I couldn't see them, they were only shadows in the picture. So I turned I realized the room had shape-shifted into new position, and there was a new wall that separated from the room they had once been in.

There was a door on this new wall that I figured would lead me to the room that they had been in, but they were not in there. So I ran around this mansion trying to find them... The last thing I remember was running around the mansion looking for a way to get out.

poetry of a socio-path

Written Originally Sept 27th 2007, while high on caffeine.

poetry of a socio-path
Couldja couldja throw me some rope
and I'll wear em as sleaves
Couldja Couldja throw me some soap
cause I got cuts on my knees
Yeah Screamin and spitten and it's comin out red
But damn it feels good to say the things that I've said
I'm arguin and it's workin, your red in the face
guess I'm red as well just not in the same place
She said she won't be around when I'm pukin up blood
I find that hard to believe cause I threw her keys in the mud
I'm laughin it's funny, she didn't get the joke
couple more things she won't get when she sees all the smoke
So now she hears the explosions but knows it's miles away
and I'm laughin even harder cause I planned this for days
I even planned her emotion that's why I made her livid before
Don't call this a premonition but I can see her once more
When she finally combs the mud and hops in her car
she'll still be seething with anger but won't get very far
The smoke will be billowing and as the crow flies she sees
that fire is raging passed the bend of the trees.
Exactly where her house is and damn I'm so good
that the foundation is still standing exactly how it should
yes I planned it so well that the only punishment seen
seems definately a nightmare from within her dreams
because although there's a fire, it's only her room
that i've pyrotechnically established as the place to consume
goodbye to fair memories goodbye to the wall
that held all the pictures even the ones from the falls
where we first kissed and smiled and held our hands
I'm fakin I'm sorry, and she goes now to stand
she walkin out the door and yes this was the plan.

socio-socio path. Let go the intermitent smile
Walk into the water with the clock crocodile
becase the time is now spent and your cashed all your chips
and while your clipping your hair now get your hands off your hips
the victim is waiting but your on your last leg
The socio-path will meet socio-path in this black-powder-keg

Tired and restless

I want out of Washington. This aint my state. California Love kid. But I'm really thankful to have the opportunity to be alive and out and about. Who would have thought I would live in this city on my own? I never dreamed about growing up. I never dreamt about where I would live when I got out of high school. Never thought about the difference places I wanted to travel. I still don't really think about the places I want to travel. But I think about the cities I wanna live in a little more these days. It's so weird to be out here on my own. I'm on my own more than I have ever been. Montana doesn't even really count cause let's be honest. I didn't have my family but I had my ward. Then I came home, and I've moved to Riverside. 30 minutes away from home. Then I moved home. Then I moved to seattle, and I was with a sales team and I knew most of them before and I roomed with all of them and so it was a constant, and annoyingly tiresome party (ahaha) Then i moved to the bay and that felt like the farthest I'd ever been, especially having no friends to start with. But then as time flew by I made more and more friends, and then once again. I had to leave and I am in Seattle. Shoot, I'm almost in Canada!!! whooaa... But it's so wild to be so far from home, but the fact that I've been able to survive for 3 weeks on my own with no work has been stressful but gratifying knowing that I can make it on my own. I'm working again and I will have my 1st pay check here, and I will be able to breath again.. But whoa. Is this growing up? Being self-sufficient. I don't feel grown up. I'm just barely making goals in my life that i'm actually reaching. Sad but true. I'm 24, but I am probably at the maturity of a 21 year old. But I've seen more in this world than alot of 30 year old's so that's kind of an interesting thought as well. I do feel blessed in my life right now and that's the important part. I do need one thing. I need new scriptures!!! I have none right now, but I'm picky about what kind I want. I want the regular size with the little flippy-flap that covers the pages and I want them in brown like my missionary scriptures were. I wish I could find those. Silly me for never putting my name in them :(

Thoughts about tonight.

I'm back in Seattle.

I'm back into my insomnia. It's just temporary. I think too many people these days suffer from insomnia. I saw a commercial tonight for chia pets of obama... I laughed. Alot. I later found out chicago walgreen's banned them. That made laugh too. Can't say I blame em... I would have been surprised to see a green afro on a black man. But we have dennis rodman. So nevermind on that. Throw-back pepsi should be thrown out. I'm gonna miss Conan O Brien but I think 7 months is a great amount of time for him to make a monumental come back. How did I ever spend 8 hrs a day playing video games? I have no patience. Everything that hamburger helper makes, taste the same. What's it taste like? Hamburger and cheese powder. Lady GaGa is a woman, and a damn fine one. I really like that no one is attracted to her.. cause that means I have her all for myself... woooooooo some couples make me cringe. One couple in particular on my facebook will be amazing together if they get married because they're so effing psycho. If they break-up I will be so excited to watch the violence that ensues.. but I have to keep completely silent as not to offend either of them and miss my window of opportunity, but their idiocy is staggering. It's like 3:30 in the morning and I cant stop coughing... Poison the Well is a lot of fun to listen to... My ears will be ringing by the time I actually lay my head down and fall asleep. Rawr... I may update this tomorrow, but you'd never know if I did.

Dear lord,

If this is my path then guide me because I cannot see it. I fasted and I prayed, and I told you my goals, so help me achieve. Lead me by light. If it's not a light, then let it be a voice. If it's not a voice, then let it a be a feeling, and let that feeling guide my steps. I will completely fail if I don't trust in your hand.

This is my prayer.
Amen.

Frustration

Just a general frustration.

I wish I had an honest COMPLETELY honest no biased opinion of my voice. When I record, I think, wow, this sounds sooooo good! and I get it down, and I hear the song by itself, and its grand. Then I sing. And when I'm singing, I think, I'm in tune, and I feel my voice this should be good. Then it's played back, and I think, ok, it's not that bad. But it's not great. And then I sing the whole song, and I have finished product. I show it to my friends. The moment I turn my song on, and I hear my voice, I cringe!!! I freak out and run for the stop button saying, "I sound hoorrrriibbllle" you can't listen..

Some people have issues with weight. Some people have issues with there looks. I have an issue with my voice. I wish I could just love my voice. But then I wish I could sing. And I feel like I can't. So therefore I don't love my voice. I gotta figure out a way to get over this. Maybe never sing again. :(